I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
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Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Body by Oreos
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
#dalle2