I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
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Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
you mean to tell me that wasn’t a drinking fountain you installed in your bathroom toilet?
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Is this you?
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.