I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
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I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
*pronounces patio like ratio
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick