I have a new favorite meme page
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
How do dragons blow out candles?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.