I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
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If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
New menu item
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
what do you want!!!!!!!!
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?