I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
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I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
They’re really bad with fonts.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.