Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

your honor my client chooses dare

Skills

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

I love the honesty

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.