I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
You Might Also Like
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
it must be school picture day
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.