Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

Watson was Holmes schooled

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.