Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

*plot twist*

plot: ouch!!!

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.