I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
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Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Did my cat write this
plums roundup
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
*updates tinder bio*
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”