Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list

takes a bite

Removes it from my grocery list

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

They did not miss in the small print

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”