I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
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My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.