I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
You Might Also Like
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston