Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum