“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
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“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
cry laughing at this shit
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.