“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
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[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.