Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

that colleague who touches your screen

This made me chuckle cuz mood

Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no