I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry![]()
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If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
estão todos miauvindo?
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TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting![]()
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.