Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

Mouse

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.