Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*