Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready