Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU