Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…

She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified