Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

Effort made

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️

Yelp: Its prison ma’am.

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.