Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.