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How I’d get arrested…
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
To: ALL STAFF
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You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
January has been Januweary
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”