Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!

You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!