Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro