I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
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Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent