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A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.