Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

😂

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

Personal question. #JustSaying

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

Damn … History Channel 😀

#archaeohistories

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!