Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

5 ways to appear taller

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

Real House Wines.

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

Chicken bread

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”