I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
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Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles