I have a place for everything. The floor.
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*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
i love meeting boys on tinder
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds