Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Helping my daughter with her 3rd grade math homework has me doubting I ever passed 3rd grade math.

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.