I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
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Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.