Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

Guys which shade of gery should I get

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.