Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

How your email finds me

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

I just want an internship man

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

😂😂

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass