“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

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Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet


[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*


ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here


Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”


10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]


Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song


I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.


My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔


*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”