Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
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ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”