“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
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Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD