Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So the ex texted me

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad