I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
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After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Only a mother’s love …
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.