Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

Just a reminder, folks:

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys