I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
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My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
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DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
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I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Stop being racist to kettles.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
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If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?