I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
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9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Blew my mind.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.