Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.