I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
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Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I need better friends
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.