Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

The Assassin.

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

reminder

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.

Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

I’m calling the cops.

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids