Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

best first i’ve ever seen

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)