Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?