I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.