I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
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Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane