I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
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Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
translated into Canadian
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here