I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Lives near Army base.
Community page on Facebook:
“WhAt aRe tHoSe LoUd BoOms?!”
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life