I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
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date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
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Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.