Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

😩😩😩

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

*lint rolls you awake*

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

181.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.