Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”