I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
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At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym