[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
You Might Also Like
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
My circle of trust is a meatball
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
giddy up Office Depot
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
yeah 😭
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see