I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
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I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I hope this email finds you in a well
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
