i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
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It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”