i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
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RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
This is hilarious
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.