I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
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There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Love it! 👍😂
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
😂💯
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.