I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
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Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!