Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

I’m just playing devils avocado here

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

found a horse’s reddit account

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

Welcome

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated