I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
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If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Me too door. Me too.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell