I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
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[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I forgot how to panic. Help
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Pandas 🐼🖤
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them