I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
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I wish I were this cool 😂
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.