I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
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My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ