I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
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I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*