Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

<—- homeless romantic

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it